In my uncle's garden
Thursday, January 2, 2003

Things are changing, little by little.

My skin is a disaster. I've developed some kind of rash all over my forehead and cheeks. I don't think it's acne, because nothing is coming to a head (ick), it's just red and bumpy and kind of crusty. I'm not sure whether to blame it on the pregnancy or not, although I might ask the midwife about it next week. Either way, I don't imagine there's anything you can do about it that doesn't involve Vitamin A, which is verboten during pregnancy.

I think the little one is having a growth spurt. For the last few weeks my appetite has been average, but today I was starving by around 11:15, and actually felt faint by noon. I ate a hefty lunch, and was hungry again by 4:00.

I checked myself out in the mirror in the bathroom at work, and I'm pleased to report I'm definitely showing. A little bit.

After the baby comes, I'm planning to stop working and stay at home. Although I'll be bringing in some money for the first year (by way of government-funded parental benefits), I'm already having issues about not contributing financially to the household. Even now, money that I spend on myself feels like money we can't save to spend later on the baby or furniture or the kitchen reno.

I can't help feeling that if I stay home and don't earn any money, I'm a sponge or a user or somehow not contributing, even though on the other hand I feel quite strongly that I should stay home and raise our children rather than farming them out to someone else. I guess the problem is that I don't quite believe that Blake feels the same way, that is that my staying home to bring up the children is more important than having the extra income. I think he has said that he agrees with me, but he might just be going along with me because he's easy that way.

I'm also not sure how hard up we're going to be with just Blake's income. He earns a lot more money by himself than most people in this city manage to live on, but on the other hand we live in one of the more expensive neighbourhoods, and we'd like to keep it that way. I suspect we'll be okay, but I don't think we'll be as comfortable as we are now; now, we can pretty much buy whatever we want to, whether it be a magazine or singing lessons or a new computer. We will have to be more more aware and disciplined than we are now.

And that kind of makes me crusty. In the last few years I have become very accustomed to buying what I want, when I want it. I expect I will be resentful and bitter and otherwise childish when I can no longer do so.