In my uncle's garden
Tuesday, April 29, 2003

The only new thing is that I'm getting some contractions, but only when I walk around. They're not painful.

People keep asking me if I'm excited or scared.


I'm not excited. I don't get excited about stuff. It's a personal flaw; if there's any responsibility involved in an endeavor, the responsibility completely overshadows the excitement. This is true of vacations, of parties, whatever. So, no, I'm not excited. Occasionally I'll get a little thrill when I construct a mental vignette, like "me at the park with Delphine" or "Blake and Delphine and I at the zoo", but the whole experience excites me not at all.

I'm also not scared. I don't think there's anything particularly scary about babies -- they're not complicated, and I'm confident I'll be able to figure out what Delphine needs and how to keep her happy and healthy.

Sometimes I'm a little sad that Blake and I are going to lose our perfect, lazy, slacking-off weekends, but he assures me that the new weekends will be better.

There are two things I'm scared of. The first is being home alone (where by "alone" I mean "alone with the baby", but it's not the baby part that scares me.) Historically, being home alone has sucked -- I slobbed around, I watched TV, I did useless crafts, I was bored and lonely and depressed. I know I won't have as much time to be bored and lonely and depressed with Del, but I will have some spare time, and I worry that I will waste it watching TV, instead of doing any of the million interesting or productive things I should be doing.

The other thing I'm scared of is visiting my parents this summer with Del. How hard will it be to take her on the plane, with all the stuff she'll need? Should we rent a car seat, or take our car seat with us? If we rent it, what if they don't install it properly? Where will Del sleep? Will my mother smoke when Del is in the house? How will my father react to my refusal to be in the car when he's driving? Will the house be clean enough? Will there be lots of mosquitoes? Will there be weirdness from my parents about how I take care of Del? (These are the people who told me I should take codeine for my headache this weekend.) It's just a big ball of uncertainty, and it makes me anxious.

I'm also kind of worried about fighting with my father-in-law about car seats and stuff like that. He's generally against safety devices in any form, it seems (he is of the "back when I was a kid we didn't have any of that stuff and we survived" school). I guess how he feels about that stuff isn't going to affect how I behave, but I don't like the tension.

Midwife appointment tomorrow morning. Will report back if there is any news.